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i don't know where else to express what i have to say
i'm afraid to particularly burden someone with my thoughts and problems and feelings... all these weird shit...

but i tried so hard
for these 2 years i have tried so hard not to hurt anyone
but yesterday i was reminded about how i was a monster
and still am
i hurt my friend
how disgusting is that
i can't look at my reflection not thinking about how disgusting i am, hurting someone close to me
i want to rip that person out of the mirror and stab her till she stops breathing
i can't believe i haven't changed
it was a complete repetition of the past - enjoying a meal, when someone else had to stand up for you, because i was being a monster towards you and it hurt you. i am so sorry

my heart sank and i couldn't breathe
because i can't believe that i've hurt someone so dear to me
what the hell am i
why do i hurt people
i thought i have changed for the better
but apparently i haven't

this is how i feel right now
i don't want to show it, because what use is it to be unhappy in front of people, that would be spoiling the mood for everyone and causing unnecessary worry and unhappiness