I wish I could take the pain away for you
But all I can do is to be harsh and make u face it on your own
Because u need to learn
U need to pick yourself up
Don't rely on others to give you happiness
You can do it
Just like I did

It hurt so much
But I was alone to face it
So I cried alone
And took all the courage I had in myself to pick myself up
That was probably the day I discovered how strong I could be
I knew that I could overcome people and problems like this
I could pick myself up
I took quite a while to get over it
But I did it
By myself and by my own will
It was long and painful but I did it

You can do it too
Hang in there
It'll be over soon
You deserve to smile

That's the thing about pain

It demands to be felt 

Fucking miserable
What the heck am I doing with my life
Why are you so insistent that education is everything and doing well is the only way to success
What if I told you I'm just not smart enough
I try so hard but I still see myself fail all the time
Why am I such a loser
Why can't I ever be good enough
You don't even know that I'm miserable
You don't even know that whatever I'm doing in my life right now is to please you and to make you at least the littlest bit proud of me
Because I have been such a failure all my life
And yet you don't notice
You aren't even at home to notice
You don't know how hard I try
You don't know how hard I beat myself up whenever I don't do well to meet your expectations
You have no idea how I wish I was everyone else but me so that you would be proud of me
I hate how I'm never good enough
I'm so tired
Yet I can never stop because this is a lifelong journey, to please you
Because I don't think I will ever reach your expectations

I'm screaming for help but no one can hear me

Someone is pushing me underwater
I'm not stronger than the force pushing me
Suffocating
Can't breathe through the choppy waters and the strength of that hand pushing me
Slowly losing the will to fight
Just giving in to losing the battle
Losing the battle that no one knows I'm fighting
The battle to be good enough
To be valuable
To be outstanding
To make you proud
To do so well
There is absolutely no room for error
There is only room to do better
Nothing I'm doing is good enough
I'm not good enough
Nothing about me is satisfactory
Nothing at all
And that tears me apart
Why am I so incompetent
Why can't I be good at something
Why can't I be the one you are proud of
Why am I never good enough in your eyes
Slowly sinking to the bottom of the sea
And no one even knows that I will soon hit rock bottom

I've learnt to accept myself 

But not in a way that I love my body or that I'm proud to be this size and look this way

But in a way where I just look like that 

Chubby faced

Small eyes

Non existent nose bridge

Broad shoulders 

No visible collar bones 

Gigantic arms

Huge body which has no small waist nor big hips

No flat stomach 

Thunder thighs

Big feet

I hate these parts of me so much 

But I accepted how I'm stuck w them

People would say "oh you don't exercise enough" or "if you diet properly you can get rid of those unnecessary fats"

What if I told you I have tried every method that people have recommended 

And it's so hard when it doesn't work

Because I've accepted the way I look

I've also accepted how people treat me because of my physical appearance 

Oh I've met the most biased people who judge by physical appearance 

And man that was bad

But I couldn't do much

Unless I do for plastic surgery, I'm stuck with how I look

It has also got me thinking that physical appearance is so important

How it gets people to like you 

So I've got rid of any kind of hope that someone would like me

In terms of liking more than a friend context 

I forbid myself to like anyone because I know they won't like me back

And that I am not worth their time

So I just don't let myself like anyone

And that makes me think of how I will not be dear and precious to anyone

No one will text me throughout the day

No one will call me goodnight 

No one will give me hugs whenever I need them

No one will tell me I'm special 

No one will make me feel like I mean the world to them

No one will boast to their friends about me

No one will do romantic and sweet things for me

Yup I've accepted all these things

-

i don't know where else to express what i have to say
i'm afraid to particularly burden someone with my thoughts and problems and feelings... all these weird shit...

but i tried so hard
for these 2 years i have tried so hard not to hurt anyone
but yesterday i was reminded about how i was a monster
and still am
i hurt my friend
how disgusting is that
i can't look at my reflection not thinking about how disgusting i am, hurting someone close to me
i want to rip that person out of the mirror and stab her till she stops breathing
i can't believe i haven't changed
it was a complete repetition of the past - enjoying a meal, when someone else had to stand up for you, because i was being a monster towards you and it hurt you. i am so sorry

my heart sank and i couldn't breathe
because i can't believe that i've hurt someone so dear to me
what the hell am i
why do i hurt people
i thought i have changed for the better
but apparently i haven't

this is how i feel right now
i don't want to show it, because what use is it to be unhappy in front of people, that would be spoiling the mood for everyone and causing unnecessary worry and unhappiness

July 3, 2013

Hi everyone,
today has been a horrible day, but everyone has their rough days right?
well yeah but it's been more than a day for me, it's been a rough 2 weeks.
let me break down what's going on in my life right now,
this morning i got into a fight with my eldest sister (who stays in canada) over Skype because she had a very skeptical tone while talking to me, and didn't believe in me that i could handle my schoolwork and exams
tomorrow is my POA paper for promos 1, i still have 3 more promo papers to go
3/6 of my family has contracted dengue fever and have all been hospitalized
that 3/6 would be both my parents and my helper.
"why are they hospitalized? it's just dengue" you may think
well, you're supposed to have 200 blood platelets in your body
my helper had 47/200 left before hospitalization, my mum had 40/200, and my dad 30/200
so it's quite bad hahahahaha damn
i've been alone at home with my sister and younger brother, thank god i am not alone and i have snowy  yay
and the thing is that i've been feeling extremely stressed, bearing responsibilities i have never had to take over before.
so i wondered that this is what adult life is like, but what scared me more is that this is life without my parents..... if they left for heaven one day or if i moved out of singapore
but the worse part that scared me was that my parents were so frail. they were coughing so hard and so weak because of their fevers. i have never seen them in this state.... ever
i was scared on the inside and i felt quite alone because i didn't want to tell anyone
but it got out bad because i cried whenever i was alone, kept over thinking, started to let my thoughts win over, so i confided in my close friends, and that felt better.
that's about it now,


what i'm really trying to tell you guys is that please be careful of dengue mosquitoes
please take precautions because i honestly never thought this would happen to any of my family, never even occurred in my head that it would attack 3 of my family members
so please be careful guys, take care of your loved ones